Grandma means well when she says your child just needs more discipline. Uncle Joe thinks the behavior plan is too complicated. Aunt Lisa slips your child extra treats because "a little won't hurt." These situations are exhausting—but they are also opportunities to build a real support network.
Why This Conversation Matters
Children with behavior plans need consistency across settings. When extended family members undermine the plan—even with good intentions—it confuses your child and can undo progress. But family members who understand the plan can become powerful allies.
Starting the Conversation
Choose the Right Moment
Do not try to explain the behavior plan in the middle of a family gathering or when emotions are running high. Find a calm moment—maybe a phone call before a visit or a quiet conversation after the kids are in bed.
Lead with Appreciation
Start by acknowledging that they care about your child. "I know you love [child's name] and want to help. Let me share what's working for us so we can all be on the same page."
Simple Explanation Template
"[Child] has a behavior plan from school that helps them [manage emotions/focus/stay calm]. The plan works by [brief description of key strategy]. When we all do it the same way, [child] does much better."
Handling Common Reactions
"In my day, kids just needed consequences."
"I understand that approach worked for some kids. [Child] responds better to [specific strategy]. The professionals who work with them have found this is what helps them learn."
"You're making excuses for bad behavior."
"We still have expectations—they're just learning skills in a way that works for their brain. The behavior plan is about teaching, not excusing."
"They seem fine to me."
"That's great that they're comfortable with you! But they still need consistency. When things are different in different places, it gets confusing for them."
Setting Expectations Before Visits
Be Specific
General requests get ignored. Specific requests get followed.
- Instead of: "Be consistent with the plan"
- Try: "When they ask for more dessert, say 'one is enough for today' and don't negotiate"
Give Them a Role
People support what they help create. Give family members specific ways to help:
- "Can you help remind them about the first-then chart?"
- "When you notice them staying calm, tell them you noticed"
- "If they start to get overwhelmed, here's what helps..."
When Advice Keeps Coming
You Do Not Owe an Explanation
After you have explained once, you are not obligated to keep justifying your parenting decisions. "Thanks for the suggestion. We're going to stick with our current plan" is a complete sentence.
Some family members will not change their views. That is okay. You can limit their unsupervised time with your child, choose which gatherings to attend, or simply let their comments roll off.
Building Your Family Support Team
Some family members will get it. Cultivate these relationships:
- Share successes so they can celebrate with you
- Ask for their help during challenging times
- Let them know their support makes a difference
- Consider having them attend a team meeting at school
Family Is Complicated
Not everyone will understand. Focus your energy on family members who are willing to learn. Accept that some relationships may stay difficult. And remember: you know your child better than anyone else in the family.
References
Blue-Banning, M., Summers, J. A., Frankland, H. C., Lord Nelson, L., & Beegle, G. (2004). Dimensions of family and professional partnerships: Constructive guidelines for collaboration. Exceptional Children, 70(2), 167–184. https://doi.org/10.1177/001440290407000203
Sheridan, S. M., Smith, T. E., Kim, E. M., Beretvas, S. N., & Park, S. (2019). A meta-analysis of family-school interventions and children’s social-emotional functioning: Moderators and components of efficacy. Review of Educational Research, 89(2), 296–332. https://doi.org/10.3102/0034654318825437
Lei, H., Cui, Y., & Chiu, M. M. (2016). Affective teacher-student relationships and students’ externalizing behavior problems: A meta-analysis. Frontiers in Psychology, 7, 1311. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2016.01311
U.S. Department of Education. (2021). FERPA general guidance for parents and eligible students. https://studentprivacy.ed.gov/
Hanley, G. P., Iwata, B. A., & McCord, B. E. (2003). Functional analysis of problem behavior: A review. Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis, 36(2), 147–185. https://doi.org/10.1901/jaba.2003.36-147
Iwata, B. A., Dorsey, M. F., Slifer, K. J., Bauman, K. E., & Richman, G. S. (1994). Toward a functional analysis of self-injury. Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis, 27(2), 197–209. https://doi.org/10.1901/jaba.1994.27-197
Newcomer, L. L., & Lewis, T. J. (2004). Functional behavioral assessment: An investigation of assessment reliability and effectiveness of function-based interventions. Journal of Emotional and Behavioral Disorders, 12(3), 168–181. https://doi.org/10.1177/10634266040120030401
Ingram, K., Lewis-Palmer, T., & Sugai, G. (2005). Function-based intervention planning: Comparing the effectiveness of FBA function-based and non-function-based intervention plans. Journal of Positive Behavior Interventions, 7(4), 224–236. https://doi.org/10.1177/10983007050070040401
Scott, T. M., Alter, P. J., & McQuillan, K. (2010). Functional behavior assessment in classroom settings: Scaling down to scale up. Intervention in School and Clinic, 46(2), 87–94. https://doi.org/10.1177/1053451210374986
Take Action
Put what you've learned into practice with these resources.
Key Takeaways
- Extended family members want to help but often lack context—education is key
- Simple explanations work better than technical terms
- Set clear expectations about consistency before visits or gatherings
- Well-meaning advice does not obligate you to follow it
- Build a support team of family members who understand and can help
About the Author
The Classroom Pulse Team consists of former Special Education Teachers and BCBAs who are passionate about leveraging technology to reduce teacher burnout and improve student outcomes.
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